Moving Forward

Finishing my last 8 ounces of Moviprep has proven more challenging than I anticipated.  Surprisingly, it’s not the urgency to empty that is bothering me. It’s the sheer quantity of  salty-sweet, lime-flavored liquid that must be consumed in a short period of time that is most difficult.  In one hour, you must consume 8 ounces every 15 minutes or roughly 1 liter to achieve the desired effect of a clean colon.  If that’s not enough, you have to repeat it 6 hours before your colonoscopy (for most people that’s within 12 hours).  As advised by friends who’ve imbibed in this syrupy concoction, I used lollipops in between gulps to mask the saltiness.  Unfortunately, you can’t use anything with red or purple coloring however, which left me stuck with lemon or lime (because I already was eating orange jello for “food”, which were too similar to the taste of the prep that I didn’t even bother using those suckers the second time around. This is apparently one of the more gentle and easy preparations for cleansing the bowel for a colonoscopy.  It’s reassuring to know that this is the most difficult component of obtaining a colonoscopy.  As I’ve discovered, with the conscious sedation administered, the procedure itself is a walk in the park.  

Getting the colonoscopy and endoscopy is one of the few steps remaining this year to obtaining a clean bill of health.  Last week, I completed a follow up CT 3 months post-chemo completion and received the happy news of stability.  No new lymph nodes were found and the old, likely sclerosed (scarred) nodes remained at the same size and appearance.  In other words, there are no signs of recurrence of the lymphoma at this time.  By definition, I am in remission (diminution of the seriousness or severity of disease).  Now, is the time to move forward and heal.  

I happily am attempting to resume a full time schedule next week (including Saturday) at work.  While my energy levels have not returned to their pre-lymphoma state, working energizes me.  Since breaking my fibula (the outer bone of the ankle), I haven’t been running, but acquired an under-the-desk elliptical machine to keep me moving (see below).  Since it takes about 6-8 weeks for these types of fractures to heal and I need to tighten the ligaments supporting the ankle, it will likely be another month before I am able to resume my running and start re-building my strength and endurance.  To protect myself from future pathological fractures, I will start on medication to treat osteoporosis.  I am currently scheduled for an infusion of Reclast (a drug to improve bone density) next week .  This will be done in lieu of oral Fosamax due to the irregular findings on my esophagus found during the endoscopy.  After that infusion, I do not foresee any further testing for the remainder of 2016 (said with fingers crossed).  The only exception could be my shoulder, which remains painful despite 3 months of physical therapy.

Getting the clear CT definitely brightened my outlook and is helping me move forward.  Waiting for this ever important checkup, I couldn’t help but play numerous “what if” scenarios through my mind, preparing me for whatever the scan unveiled.  Facing people with new cancer diagnosis or recurrence on a regular basis, was a constant reminder of the reality of cancer and the physical and mental energy that it takes away from living life.  In the quiet of the night or the solitude of being home alone, it is difficult to escape thoughts of recurrence and a new round of grueling treatment. Fearing the unknown often paralyzes us from moving forward.  It distracts us from the dramatic color changes of the fall leaves, the elegantly woven spider web or the joy of seeing a friendly face.  Once those fears abate, we see the sunrise ahead and a fresh start to living begins.  

Sharing my journey isn’t just about cancer and it’s effects on my view of the world, but more a reflection of how to approach any life challenge or disruption.  Whether it be the death of a loved one, an unexpected accident that sidelines you, or a relationship gone bad, life is full of hills and valleys.  As we ride on the roller-coaster of life, keeping our eyes open is the only way to see the beauty and goodness around us, whether it be directly in front of us, by our side or off in the distance.  Closing your eyes, may block out the unpleasant, but doesn’t allow you to enjoy the attraction.  Some rides will be painful or nauseating, while others may invigorate you or provide a view that you’ll never forget.  Whatever road you may be traveling, it’s always more enjoyable when shared with another, whether it be a spouse, friend, family member, or God.  This companion provides a different perspective along the way and the support necessary to keep moving and embracing other potentially exhilarating rides.  Life is a roller coaster, you can either scream every time you hit a bump, or throw your hands up in the air and enjoy it.  

Scream through the peaks,

Hold hands through the dips,

Laugh through the loops,

And enjoy every twist and turn.  

My under the desk elliptical

Running Away

It’s amazing how many life changes can occur in just a couple weeks.  2-3 weeks ago, I was lamenting my surprise over the discovery that I have osteoporosis and the ongoing struggles and accelerated aging incurred through chemotherapy.  Well, like a bad horror film, just when I started seeing the light at the edge of the woods, the osteoporosis came to haunt me.  

One of my partners and I attended a conference in Florida a couple weeks ago and on the last day of the conference, they celebrate with a 5K run.  Although I was signed up to run a 10K for lymphoma research the following day (in Washington), I convinced my partner to walk the run and I would run it at 6:30 am on our last day in Florida.  The weather was balmy (73 degrees and 90% humidity).  Given the conditions, there was no fear of sore muscles and ideal weather for a short race like this one.  The race started well and I felt a steady rhythm and nice even pace.  After passing the water stop at the 1 mile point, I found myself in a small group and the second place woman in a field of nearly 100 people.  Turning the corner, heading in to the second lap, my right foot pushed off and my left foot landed on the pavement with a singe of pain.  For no apparent reason, my ankle twisted beneath me and as I attempted to push forward, I felt a crack.  Runners passing by encouraged me to, “Walk it off,” to no avail.  I knew as soon as I couldn’t put my full weight on my left foot, that this was no sprain.  For the first time in my life, I DNF’d (did not finish) a race.  I hobbled my way back to the hotel for a shower and donned my compression stockings as soon as possible (to minimize the swelling).  

With ice in tote, from the hotel ice machine, we worked our way across the street to the conference.  Using elevators, escalators and toe tapping, I managed to make it through the conference and onto the plane at the airport.  While in flight, my compression stockings did the trick of minimizing the swelling.   However, finding a method of removing my compression hose without moving the ankle was quite a struggle, even with the assistance of my husband, and took nearly 10 minutes as I inched them over the broken bone, wincing in pain.  Nonetheless, I managed to eek out a few hours of sleep before arising to walk with friends the following day.  Wearing an aircast stabilized the ankle, and the swelling provided the cushion necessary, to hobble around until I was able to xray the foot the following day.  

Xrays revealed the fractured fibula associated with the sprained ligaments.  A boot was placed and with crutches and a scooter, donated by friends, I was able to get around (albeit very slowly).  As this was my first week back to a nearly full schedule and my first Saturday of 2016, it was a rough week to be restricted.  Between the broken foot and obtaining the flu and pneumonia vaccines, my fatigue level increased even further.  Keeping my eyes open during lunch was a challenge, but I managed to make it through the week with the helpfulness of a fabulous medical assistant and wonderful coworkers.  

The foot is healing well now and I’m learning the struggles of those with mobility issues.  Scooters don’t do well on the crooked, uneven streets of Bothell.  You feel every bump, groove or crack and wheels seem to always find the grooves causing them to turn in an instant.   Descending stairs boot first has nearly led to a comical face plant.  Stairs are best navigated walking backwards. Crutches, too, are quite challenging on stairs or going down hills or slopes.  If you walk too rapidly, falling is inevitable.  Fortunately, my shoulder had improved well enough that I could navigate crutches (God never gives us more than we can handle!)  Nonetheless, I’m sure I looked like a Miley Cyrus song, “...she came in like a wrecking ball.”  In the long run, I greater appreciate the frustrations of mobility disabilities and understand the importance of ramps, handicap parking permits and automated doors to help people remain independent whilst struggling with mobility.  

Once again, my running has been sidelined.  With this challenge, as with every adversity, I try to understand what message God may be trying to relay.  During chemotherapy, when I was unable to run, I used writing as my release, in lieu of running. As multiple patients have commented about my writing these past 2 weeks, I pondered, “Is this God’s way of telling me to get writing again?”  Of course, it would be much easier, if He would just whisper in my ear, rather than breaking my foot.  Yet, I’m obviously a slow learner and so He works in multiple ways to communicate His message.  For the next 3 weeks, I will avert my running and focus my energy on other projects, which I had once again, placed on the backburner after returning to work.  Balance is key, both in walking and in leading a fulfilling life.  My rehabilitation process will include discerning ways to improve my balance.   

For those wondering about the title of my blog....I first titled it running away because I've been forced to stop running and thus put it "away" for now. But, as I contemplated further, I realized, it really relates more to "running away" from God's plan that He relayed during my chemotherapy down time. As I returned to work, I jumped right back into old habits, rather than incorporating changes for a more balanced lifestyle. Although I was enlightened with a greater perspective through cancer, I failed to take what I learned and apply it. Old habits are hard to break, unlike osteoporotic bones. The moral is that we need to listen and learn to modify our approach sometimes in order to obtain better outcomes in the long run.

They always say time changes things, but you actually have to change them yourself. ~ Andy Warhol

One reason people are resistant to change is because they focus on what they have to give up, instead of what they have to gain. ~ Rick Godwin

One week later, swelling has decreased but bruising more visible (settled near toes).