The Eagle - Infusion #5

My brother instructing my 80 y.o. dad how to jet ski. 

It was after 6 pm on a Monday, when I finished with my last patient and finally got a chance to glance at my cell phone.  There were 3 messages from my mother, each of them more distressing.  She and my father were finishing their 4 week vacation in California, with my aunt and uncle.  She described the horrible headache and associated weakness that my father was experiencing and sought my medical advice. My heart sank, these messages were left during the past 2 hours.  This was the event I had feared ever since that summer day, 2 years prior, when I sutured my father's simple chin laceration, after a minor trip on pavement.  My dad was on a very potent blood thinner, that left him bleeding (via a slow ooze) for hours, despite my excellent suture skills.  Three hours after stitching his chin and 30 minutes in the supine position (laying flat), the bleeding finally ceased.  So, my big concern, when hearing these messages, was that this headache was the start of a fatal head bleed. By the time, I called my mother, they had called the medics and he was off to the hospital.  

One of my favorites:  My dad and nephew

Unfortunately, my prediction came true. Not only did my father suffer a massive head bleed (stroke), he actually suffered a cardiac arrest on the way to the hospital and they promptly resuscitated him. That night, my siblings and I conversed, rallied and agreed to meet in California to be with our parents, the ones who loved and supported us throughout our lives.  Despite our busy schedules, we arranged flights and left our worldly obligations behind, and were by our parents' side within 24 hours.  Given there are 7 of us kids, this was quite a feat.  After days of prayers, with a priest (my brother) by his side, my father made miraculous improvements that shocked even the neurologist who had never seen anything like this in his 20 years of practice (he even used the word, "miracle").  In my mind, God was acting on behalf of all of us, to unify our family further, remind us about the importance of spending time with our loved ones, while they are still here and several other reasons for which I'll save for another time. Two and a half weeks later, after saying his goodbyes with hand gestures and opening his eyes, my dad left this world and moved on to be with his Father in heaven.

It's been nearly 6 years, since my father was called to heaven. On the day of his funeral, I ran with more passion and fervor than ever before. Tears streamed down my face as I raced along the paved trail, remembering all the fabulous times we shared and worrying that I never expressed enough, my deep love and appreciation for all that my dad provided and taught me along the way.  Looking around the grassy knolls and trees lining the trail, I looked up and noticed a beautiful, majestic eagle looking down at me. As I advanced, the eagle continued to follow me along my route. He gracefully soared through the sky, matching my every mile, providing support and solace and alleviating my sadness and grief. From that day forward, the eagle appeared on my runs nearly daily. It was as though God had given me a companion, reassuring me that my dad was at peace and that he would remain by my side, particularly when I needed him most. 

For years now, whenever I struggle, worry or even feel sorrow from missing my supportive, loving and generous father, the eagle will appear on my run.  Sometimes, more than one eagle will soar overhead.  Most of the time, this occurred shortly after attending a funeral of another friend or relative.  It was as if God and my dad, were consoling me by revealing that these people, whom I cared for so much, were with Him, in heavenly peace.  So, when the eagle showed up this morning as I ran through familiar neighborhoods, it touched me and my fears turned to tranquility, knowing that my God and my father were watching over me.  Knowing that next week my body, weakened from today's chemotherapy infusion, will struggle for energy--energy to stay awake, think, walk and particularly, run, I needed this reassurance.  

As the fatigue increases, it's easy to dwell on the negatives and yearn for life as it was before cancer. Even the strongest, can't help but feel depressed at times.  This, coupled by the ill side effects of the medications, often lingers for nearly a week after the infusion.  My coping mechanism is choosing to think of the positives first. The well-wishes, cards, thoughts, prayers and meals from my patients, my neighborhood, my friends and family has been immense. It reminds me of God's plan for me and provides the love that I miss, by being unable to work while my counts remain low.  The remarkable medical progress, fabulous researchers and care providers that have improved the prognosis for all persons diagnosed with lymphoma makes me feel incredibly blessed.  Even though I won't likely run another marathon, the fact that I can still run, even if it means stopping 3 times per mile, makes me happy.  There are so many reasons to be thankful.  Compared to the tribulations of many others, including those who suffer chronic pain, difficult to treat mental conditions, or who have had their homes and dignity stripped from them, this trivial trial in my blessed life, is nothing.

While peering up at this mighty and majestic creature, the symbol of our country's freedom, I can't help but feel hope. That elegant, strong, placid eagle stood upon a barren branch, completely void of needles, high atop an eighty foot tall evergreen tree which showed abundant, green needles in its lower branches. "How symbolic," I thought, "while a part of me will die today, with every toxin they inject in my veins, there is still life that lies below." My husband, the forester, informed me that the tree will not only survive below the barren branches, but possibly branch off into new directions, stronger and more interesting than before, continuing to follow the light of the sun. Hopefully, so that little ones may climb those even stronger, lower branches and share smiles, laughter and feel secure in its arms. 

When a storm is coming, all other birds seek shelter.  The eagle alone avoids the storm by flying above it.  So, in the storms of life...May your heart sore like an eagle. 

"But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength.  They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint."  Isaiah 40:31

My two oldest kids shared many smiles climbing the strong branches of a tree in my parents' yard.