If I Should Die Tomorrow…

This blog is neither a premonition, a post about regrets, or meant to cause alarm or ill feelings, but rather a reflection of a life well lived.  I would be remiss, if I didn’t admit that, along with many others, the threat or murmur of cancer, doesn’t lend to thoughts surrounding death and dying.  In fact, I started this entry months ago, but was afraid to finish, as I didn’t want to alarm people.  As I near my last infusion (one week from today), I feel that I am creeping out of the woods, that maybe now I can post my innermost thoughts about living, and dying.  For some people, this may be too personal, too painful or too soon to think about death.  None of us really knows when that time will come.  Personally, I truly believe God has greater plans for me before departing this world, that I don’t anticipate death any time soon.   But, if you are ready, come with me, into this journey of the mind.

If I should die tomorrow, I don’t want you to cry about a life short-lived, but rejoice in happiness over a fulfilling life.  The multitude of memories that I have shared over my 48 years on this earth outnumbers what most people create in an 82-year lifespan.  I have seen the uprising and takeover of computer technology.  I have lived in an era of modern-day saints and leaders like Mother Teresa, Mahatma Gandhi and Nelson Mandela.  I’ve seen us travel to the moon and back, with inhabitants currently living in space at this time.   I’ve traveled extensively across the world, from China to Tangiers, Turkey to the UK in addition to Europe and nearly every state in the United States. My eyes have seen nature’s marvels, phenomenal architecture, and intriguing people, with their unique customs and cultures. Yes, there will be much greater feats ahead, but the ones that I have witnessed are no less remarkable.

I am blessed with 3 beautiful, intelligent, compassionate and loving children, who will, without a doubt, become leaders and leave the world a better place.   With them, I impart my legacy and I’m certain that they will bring more laughter, goodness and love to this world than either Chris or I alone could provide.  We’ve done our best to instill family values of respect, charity, cooperation, honesty and ambition.  We expect them to always give their best and to utilize their God-given talents.  With this foundation, we have seen them flourish and know that they will continue to inspire their own children and many others, through their work and guidance.  With this knowledge, I can truly rest in peace. 

If I should die tomorrow, know that I leave this world, with only positive, happy memories in my heart and soul.  Nobody’s lack of attentiveness, mistake or shortcoming has caused me to die.  It is only God’s plan that determines our destiny.  I do not hold any grudges or anger in my heart, as I’ve found that these only pull me down like an anchor into the depths of darkness, and releasing that anchor has allowed me to live freely and happily and reach the light.  Like a plant, reaching for the light, has helped me grow stronger and blossom.  So, never fear about the last words exchanged or argument encountered, those were flushed down the drain long ago.  I choose to see what’s in your heart.

It would be a lie to admit that I leave this world without regrets, but those regrets are not related to a trip not taken, goal not accomplished or an adventure not planned.  The regrets, that I have come to accept as part of my learning process, are related only to my relationships with others.  I regret that I didn’t learn to forgive at an earlier stage in my life, as harboring anger is destructive to the soul.  I regret that I didn’t hug enough, say, “I love you,” enough or that I didn’t show my appreciation to all the people that have touched my life.  From the friendly courtesy clerk at the grocery market to the receptionist at work and across the board, I feel so loved and blessed to have met you all.  Because, through your smile, your helpfulness, your kind remark or your friendship, you have made me a better person and for that I am truly grateful. I hope, that in some way, you know, that YOU have touched my life and helped shape the person that I am today.

Do I lament about missing future plans such as attending a wedding, graduation or the birth of my grandchild?  I no longer worry about these events as I plan to be present in some way, shape or form.  Is their advice that I yearn to provide?  Only that you follow your heart and let God be your guide.  If you listen and develop that personal relationship with God, or whatever higher power you believe, you will receive the answers to your prayers.  Being just, forgiving and honest in all of your actions, lends to happiness, despite difficult circumstances.  If there are lessons or plans that you envisioned with me, realize that some lessons are better learned by my passing, than by my presence. 

Know that I have not suffered.  Any pain that I incur is minimized by the love, support and graciousness of my care providers, family, friends, coworkers, neighbors and patients.  The suffering incurred through death is no greater than the suffering endured through a marathon or climbing Mt. Everest.  People endure frostbit toes, blisters or fractures while performing these feats and yet continue their quest. Suffering can be minimized by the mind.  For me, just thinking about the ones I love and how gracious God has been to me, leaves me in a peaceful state, where no pain can penetrate.  Even if you physically aren’t present at my death, I review, in my mind, all the good times we have shared, and feel your warmth and presence by my side, providing solace. 

If I should die tomorrow, promise me that you will go on living.  Promise me that you will celebrate a life well lived and remember to always look to God as your guide.  Be kind to others.  Live honestly and forgive those who have wronged you.  Strive to always give your best.  Lead by example, so that others may be inspired and want to share in your happiness.  Most of us will never make it into a history book, for future generations to learn of our feats.  However, all of us can have an impact.  Make sure that the footprints you leave behind, lead others in the right direction.  

The tragedy of life is not that it ends so soon, but that we wait so long to begin it.  ~ W.M. Lewis

As a well-spent day brings happy sleep, so a life well used, brings happy death.  
~ Leonardo da Vinci

This eagle flew overhead on my run today to show the clouds opening to share the light beyond.

Death, be not proud, thou some have called thee mighty and dreadful, for thou art not so.  ~ John Donne 
(I was selected to analyze & memorize this sonnet for a high school English class and have never forgotten it! If you have the chance, read the whole sonnet.)