The Awakening

It’s taken me a whole week to sit down at the computer and write.  As if doing so, will awaken me from this dream and I’ll discover I’m in the midst of chemo again.  At first, I wonder if fear has kept me away.  What will I say?  Or maybe I’m fearing that the end of chemo, will be the end of kindness?  Mine eyes have seen an immense goodness in people along this journey that a part of me doesn’t want it to end. The visits from people I haven’t seen in years, walks with friends where the conversation never seems to end, the countless meals shared, smiles given, cards received and messages of love.  I want to bottle it all up and share it with the world.  If only everyone could feel such love and happiness, imagine how the world would be?  Terrorism, war, discrimination may not completely be eradicated, but possibly diminished, if we treated every individual with the love and understanding that we bestow upon our friends and loved ones. 

If we knew the person who briskly drove into the parking spot we had awaited opening up at the grocery store had cancer and experiencing fatigue & nausea and likely didn’t even notice that we were waiting for that spot, we might approach the situation differently.  Rather than yell obscenities, in a rage, we might drive to a spot further away, thinking maybe there are others that need those close spots more than I.  More often than not, we assume the worst in people.  “What a jerk!”  “How insensitive!”  “Is your time more valuable than mine?”  That’s our usual thought when someone cuts in front of us during heavy traffic or waits till the last minute to get over on the freeway.  And yet, maybe the person was briskly exiting the freeway because they needed a restroom, or was unfamiliar with the area, not realizing that this was the direction to their destination.  Aren’t they easing the congestion by getting off the freeway anyway?  Why do we always surmise such malice? 

With 3 weeks to go before I re-enter the workforce, I’m fearing that I may re-enter the rat race at the same time.  While I vow to take the lessons I’ve learned from this journey, to live a life of love and forgiveness, will I too, fall in line of such anger and assumptions when the stress and pressure returns?  This is the fear that awakens me from sleep.  If returning to work, means returning to impatience, frustration and hostility, then I don’t want it.  This is one of the reasons I choose to live just a short distance from my office, to avoid traffic and the frustrations associated with it.  Yet, there will always be unforeseen circumstances such as computers not working, scheduling mistakes or just getting caught up in the frustrations of others.  I pray that I will remember the preciousness of life and respect for others, that I won’t blow a gasket nor let my frustration overflow into my actions or words.  To ensure my success, I will need to prepare and construct a new foundation or reinforce the old.  Running has always given me the meditation time necessary to reflect and prepare for the day, but I may need to create other buffers or breaks to help restore my energy level to tackle life’s challenges. Hopefully, these memories remain fresh enough to keep me grounded and remember what is most important in my life!

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

Courage to change the things I can,

And wisdom to know the difference. 

Living one day at a time,

Enjoying one moment at a time,

Accepting hardship as a pathway to peace,

Taking, as Jesus did,

This sinful world as it is,

Not as I would have it,

Trusting that You will make all things right,

If I surrender to Your will,

So that I may be reasonably happy in this life,

And supremely happy with You forever in the next.  Amen.

~ Reinhold Niebuhr