Lessons Learned

Last Friday was the first Friday where I wasn’t either receiving chemotherapy or still nauseated from the previous week’s infusion.  While I couldn’t escape the cumulative fatigue accrued during the past 6 months, a slight sense of freedom percolated.  Without the IV (intravenous) lines holding me down for 4-5 hours, Chris and I were able to assist in moving our daughter and her 2 roommates into their new apartment.  With my weak and swollen right arm, my job was to sit (on her desk chair) and watch over the moving truck (and the belongings within), while the other parents and helpers removed all their goods, towing them to the 3^rd floor of the building across the street.  Instead of being tied down with IV tubing, I was held down due to my decreased arm strength and inability to lift, providing time to reflect on the lessons learned during these past 6 months.

As many of us don’t learn until we’re retired, living with another person 24/7 is challenging.  During this unique opportunity of being with the one we love nearly all day, every day, you learn all the idiosyncrasies between each other.  The differences in how one washes the dishes, the activities they perform while eating, or how they roll up the garden hose (or not) are all viewed with a more critical eye.  And yet, the biggest source of conflict generally encompasses how we utilize our time. 

Cancer provides a different vantage point of time.  Taking the extra time to place dirty dishes in the dishwasher or throw away mail after you’re done viewing it, may not seem like much, but can be a crucial act of love.  When two or more people coexist for the vast majority of each day, you see how each other utilizes their time.  While this insight may be enlightening (you may not realize how many tasks your spouse actually accomplishes during the day), it also can be a major source of frustration.  If one person is reading, sleeping, playing games or watching television, it can stir jealousy or frustration in the other as they are working to organize, clean or care for the home.  It reminds me of the bible passage about Martha and Mary when Jesus came to visit and Martha couldn’t understand why Mary wouldn’t help with preparing the meal (Luke 10:39-42).  If the other person isn’t doing what we value or think they should be doing, then we become critical, or even envious.  Yet, envy only breeds discontent.  To be happy, we must accept each other’s differences in priorities, approaches and abilities, while maintaining good communication so that both parties are satisfied. 

Freedom doesn’t buy happiness.  It’s the choices that one makes and approach to life that provides happiness.  Happiness won’t come from a game, a gift, or social outing, it truly comes from within.  The more grateful we are, the more we recognize and appreciate the blessings surrounding us and the happier we feel.  As annoying as my fatigue, hot flashes and arm pain have become, it’s much easier to ignore it, when sharing laughter, smiles and cordial conversations with friends and family.   The ability to learn, challenge myself and freedom of movement (i.e. walking/running) are much more rewarding to me than sitting in front of a computer or television, watching the world through someone else’s eyes.   So, although I’ve spent the past 6 months off of work and had the freedom to read, watch TV, etc., I never felt happy doing that.  I’ve always felt happiest doing what I love most, which is listening to people’s histories, discerning and assessing the issues, and developing a strategy to help them.  When my low white counts inhibited me from practicing medicine, I turned to writing, both as an outlet for me and with some small hope that I still may help others while not actually seeing them face to face.   Rather than being frustrated when I awaken at 2, 3, or 4 in the morning, I would just roll out of bed and tap on the computer, instead of lying there, hoping to fall back asleep.  Vacuuming or mowing the lawn probably would’ve been frowned upon at that hour (although it is amazing how bright it gets by 4 in the morning).

Lastly, as my father used to say, “Don’t judge a book by its cover.”  During the past several months, even as my hair started thinning, energy diminished and skin darkened (a side effect), I would hear, “You look good.”  While a part of me appreciated the compliment, another part of me realized how easy it is for people to “get it together” externally, no matter how they are feeling internally (be it physical or emotional).  That’s why I’ve encouraged, in previous blogs, mindfulness of others.   If people appear rude or disrespectful, treat them with kindness, as we never quite know what struggles lie internally.  Showing all people respect, courtesy, and forgiveness, will not only improve our own sense of worth, but may pass this joy on to another.  This is how the “pay it forward” campaign works.  Even if you’re financially strapped, you can pay it forward by letting someone go ahead of you in line or leave a close parking space for an elderly person or mom with little kids.  This small gesture, may alleviate someone’s joint pains and replace it with a smile of relief or gratitude.

Although my muscles may be weaker, I feel my heart is stronger and brain is wiser, from this journey.   I’ve learned a lot about myself while experiencing the roller coasters of menopause and maladies of cancer.   Even though the chemotherapy (at least this round) has ended, the brutality of it, remains.  And yet, I am a survivor.  Although there may be foods that I continue to avoid, swelling or pain that never resolves, or strength that I never regain, through this experience, I have gained so much more.  Cancer can’t take away the spiritual and emotional growth nor the true happiness provided by the love and support of caring friends and family.  Cancer isn’t a death sentence nor should it be feared, it provides the opportunity for us to pause and recognize our tenacity and the abundant blessings and beauty around us.  Sometimes our greatest strengths shine in our weakest moments.              

Forget what hurt you, but never forget what it taught you.   ~ Anonymous

The only mistake in life is the lesson not learned.  ~ Albert Einstein

A beautiful & captivating pastel drawing of a bald eagle, from a talented friend of my youngest son.