Returning to Work

Monday came and went in a flash.  Once again, my mind struggled to fall back to sleep after a 5:00 am hot flash and my body wrestled its way out of bed to attempt a run before heading into the office for the first time in over 6 months.  Normally, I would have suspected the anticipation and excitement of returning to work to produce my early arousal, but the cumulative effect of sleep deprivation over the 3 days prior, prompted a quick onset to sleep.  Nope, it’s still the drenching sweats, arm swelling and joint pains that awaken me, despite the cessation of chemo and my port removal.  Knowing that I was only working a ½ day alleviated my fears of losing steam before seeing my last patient of the day.  Yet, I was eager to see my colleagues, coworkers and patients again and looked forward to the challenging puzzles and decisions that would come my way during the day.

After a quick stop at Starbucks for a grande flat white with 3 shots of ristretto (a concentrated espresso shot), I figured I could make it at least 6 hours.  When I walked through the double set of doors, I laid eyes on the beautiful decorations and posters that welcomed me back.  To my left, sat my new medical assistant, who arrived well before me and had already taken care of a couple of phone calls that managed their way to my desktop.  After an hour of re-training, I was back to work, doing what I love and missed so much.  

It was a relief to step back into the pace of work and see so many familiar faces. Without a doubt, though, I was tired by the end of my 4 hours of seeing patients.  Before I could even finish all my work, I headed home for a two hour nap (both Monday and Tuesday).  It’s clear to me that my biggest struggle in the upcoming weeks will be battling the fatigue.  Prior to lymphoma settling into my chest, I was running 40-50 miles per week and my typical day started at 6-6:30 am with an hour run and then I’d see patients from 8 or 9 am until 6 pm.  I’d usually take another 1-2 hours to address phone messages left throughout the day and prescription refills.  Then, I would go home, grab a quick dinner and settle in my home office to finish up loose ends and review electronic correspondence from other providers, lab and imaging results and address any internal flags (messages from coworkers) or emails.  Most days I would work until 11 pm - midnight and attend to any non-urgent work the following day or on the weekend.  I can’t even fathom accomplishing that routine at this time.  

If I were to estimate my energy level compared to when I was able to perform the above routine, I would suspect I currently have about 40-50% of my previous energy level.  Both days that I worked this week, I attempted a run and didn’t reach more than a mile before settling into a walk and although I set out to run just 3 miles, I was only able to complete a 2 mile walk/run.  While I saw patients for only 4 hours, I was exhausted.  My body required a nap when I returned home and despite the mid-afternoon nap, I had difficulty keeping my eyes open past 8 o’clock.  The cumulative effects of interrupted sleep summoned me to bed like the cries of a baby calling for its mother.

While I am frustrated with my lethargy, I am thrilled with being able to return to a career that stimulates my mind, utilizes my skills and provides the opportunity to help others.  I’m hopeful that I will strengthen over the next several months and will continue to actively strive towards regaining my agility and abilities. I may never run another marathon (and that doesn’t sadden me), but I’d like to be able to open bottles and lids more easily and arise from a squatting position without having to hold onto a chair or grab a counter.  I’d also like to dump the mid-day naps and sleep a full 6-7 hours at night, without awakening.  Yet, despite it all, I am alive.  I smell the fresh air in the morning and hear the birds chirping outside my window, which fills me with joy.  I get to hear the laughter of my children, watch the Mariners pull out another walk-off homerun win and celebrate birthdays & weddings with friends and family.  Life is a blessing and each day is a gift from God.  I will do my best to make the most of each day that I’m granted.

Pleasure in the job, puts perfection in the work. ~ Aristotle

ABILITY is what you're capable of doing, MOTIVATION determines what you do, and ATTITUDE determines how well you do it. ~ Anonymous

Two different patients brought these gorgeous pink roses on my first day back.