The Dreaded Treadmill

One of the greatest advantages to running outside is admiring the ever-changing landscape.  The smell of the lilacs or rose bushes as you brush your arm against them or the statuesque, yellow daffodils as they creep above the soil in early spring, add spring to my step as I hustle along.  That being said, I’ve never liked treadmills.  Running or walking on a treadmill is like being a gerbil trapped in a cage, spinning around and around the wheel and never, truly getting anywhere.   The few times I’ve been constrained to a treadmill (cruise ships and gym days when the weather produced too icy or snowy conditions to run), I begrudgingly counted the minutes from the moment I stepped on it.  It’s akin to a prison, where you must do what you are told, during the time it commands you. 

For 34 years, I resisted any enticement to purchase or work out on a treadmill.  Living in Seattle, there are fewer days than I can count on one hand, where the weather could deter me from running (ice and heavy snow are rarities).  So, it should shock you, as much as it did me, when my medical assistant started talking about treadmills in Fall 2015 and I actually bit the bullet and purchased one.  My biggest justification was that I could walk, rather than sit, while finishing work on the computer and as I felt less steady on my feet (frequent trips to the pavement), it may actually be a little safer. Of course, I proved the latter to be untrue as I stumbled while trying to drink water on the treadmill.  Note to self:  stop the treadmill, to take a drink. 

I purchased my treadmill in late November in hopes that it would arrive before Christmas and before the weather worsened (got colder).  Little did I know, but my shortness of breath, fatigue, cough and stumbling were all likely symptoms of the lymphoma surrounding my lungs, heart and internal organs.  Not surprisingly, the treadmill did not arrive until after the first of the year.  At this point, I had started my lymphoma journey, with scans, surgery and then starting chemotherapy treatments every other week.  As the weather reached its coldest temperatures and the darkness ensued by 4 pm, it was refreshing to be able to walk on the treadmill in warmer conditions for 15-20 minute segments when my muscles were aching from sitting or reclining too much.  Despite my husband's philosophy, there is such a thing as too much rest. 

Eventually, I constructed a computer stand for the treadmill (whom I now call, “Brutus”).  Finding a spare piece of 8 x ½ x 60 inch board in our garage, left over from the construction of our home 17 years ago, I swiftly transformed it with duct tape, a rubberized shelf cover and some sand paper, into an ugly, but functional table.  This has become my new work station for writing, blogging, reading or working on the computer.  The walking tends to improve my appetite and provides the energy to hopefully accomplish at least one of my tasks targeted for the day. 

At first, I still dreaded going on the treadmill, but as I utilized my newly constructed setup more, I realized that it procured a sense of freedom, allowing me to write (type) out my blogs and start to put thoughts on paper.  It was a struggle at first.  I so easily fell captive by the dark, dreary, and rainy days of February that I had to push myself to write.  If not for the encouragement of friends and family to blog, so they could be informed of my condition, prognosis and outlook, I likely would have stayed inside and slept.  But, I felt obligated to give something back to those who have provided so much support and love to me.  So, I forced myself to jump on Brutus at least twice a week and get writing. 

As the weather improved, my drive to enjoy the sunshine and outdoors started stirring inside.  I regained the confidence of running outside and, although slow, I started walking/running again.  The drawback, of course, was the detachment from the treadmill and therefore, the decrease in my writing.  Not only did the sunshine lure me outside, but it lifted my spirits to start a few home projects (like organizing files and cleaning the house).  In addition, my children elected to spend their spring breaks with their mother.  My two college kids came home for a few days and we watched movies, took a boat ride to Victoria to see the gorgeous blossoms at the Butchart gardens and played card & board games together.  Two weeks later, my high school son’s spring break arrived and similarly, we played tourists in Seattle.  We went on a boat ride around the harbor, finally gazed at the impressive glass work at the Chihuly glass museum (it’s been on my bucket list for years), visited the zoo and aquarium and picked up some macaroni and cheese at the Pike Place Market.  Time spent with family is always cherished and I will forever be grateful for these memories we shared. 

The month of May, however, saw the return of colder and rainier weather.  So, I am back on the treadmill and writing.  As I peer at my computer, glancing at my shoes going back and forth across the black, rubbery belt, I chuckle as I realize that this treadmill, Brutus, was a gift from God.  Looking back to November, I had no idea why I was suddenly persuaded to purchase a treadmill, the very dreaded instrument that I despised.  Yet, I did.  Everything from the timing of its delivery, my diagnosis, and the ugliness of the weather seemed finely orchestrated. For those struggling to find meaning to life, events or tragedy, I can only provide this one piece of advice:  Trust in God, or whatever higher power in which you believe.  When we get caught up in the busy-ness of our own lives, we forget to stop and listen or observe.  By listening, we can hear and discern God’s great plan for us and what provides meaning to our life.  Whether you believe in God or not, struggling through life without meaning is like entering a tunnel without a light.  You may know and understand that you are in a tunnel, but finding the direction to proceed will be very difficult.  Your senses will be your only guide and sometimes even they can fool you.  With a source of light, you can see the walls that surround you and guide you to an opening.  That opening will show the landscape that is our life and the beauty that lies ahead.  Sometimes it’s the thing that we despise most (the treadmill) that thrusts us forward to something greater. 

The meaning of life is to find your gift.  The purpose of life is to share it with others.  ~ a modification of a quote from Pablo Picasso

God didn’t promise days without pain, laughter without sorrow, sun without rain, but He did promise strength for the day, comfort for the tears, and light for the way.  If God brings you to it, He will bring you through it.  ~ Unknown

My home office...duct tape works for everything!