Fatigue Settles In

Without a schedule, it's hard to know exactly when to arise in the morning.  For once in my adult life, I decided to let my body tell me.  So, I got up, walked on the treadmill for a bit, showered and got ready, just like most days.  Only, by the time this was done, it was after 11 am.  Wow.

I grabbed myself some food, took my glutamine and B6 and then set off to the store to get a few things (including Kleenex, since I've exhausted much of our Costco supply over the past  month). With Peter being home, due to the Martin Luther King, Jr. holiday, he elected to be my chauffer (since some of what I needed to buy was for him).

After 1.5 hours and a not so successful shopping trip (we couldn't replace his completely torn ski pants since nobody had anything smaller than a Large size), I was exhausted.  We came back home, grabbed a bite to eat and before I knew it, I had fallen asleep in the recliner.  Obviously, Chris's teaching is working as I slept for over an hour.  Even after awakening, it was hard to get up and going and I still started dozing off again before 10 pm (all this despite being in bed for more than 8 hours the night before).   I still managed to eat dinner--a fabulous salmon stew made by Chef Tom Zierten (one of my high school classmates).  But, I am finding it increasingly difficult to chug down the glutamine powder no matter what I mix it in.  It is so chalky and leaves  my mouth sore.  Tom, being the fantastic cook that he is, gave me other ideas for sources of glutamine in the diet, so we may have to try some of the alternatives.

As far as enlightenment for the day, the only thing I could deduce from today was that it reiterated my decision to remain off of work during treatment.  I'm not sure if I'll remain this fatigued throughout treatment, but for now, I know that if I was working, I could only do it for about 1.5 hours and then it would probably take me the rest of the day to recover.  Right now, I want to focus my life to maximizing my health - physically, emotionally and spiritually.  Unfortunately, my one barricade to this is my guilt.

Maybe it's from growing up Catholic or from my father who grew up in the post-depression era, but working hard to earn your keep, has always been in my blood.  I started working at 10 years of age (on the blueberry farm in the summers) and have worked every summer since.  By the time I was 17, I took a job at Overlake hospital admitting department and from that point, I've worked year around ever since.  My dad was insistent that as long as we were able-bodied, that we contribute to society and live within our means.  He was very frugal and taught all 7 of us kids to live similarly.

Therein lies my dilemma.  The guilt of not working goes in different directions.  I want to be there for my patients, my partners, my community and I don't want to lose touch with my calling, my career.  However, I don't want to compromise my health that would impair my ability to practice in the future either (by having any setback during chemotherapy treatments, such as an illness).  In addition, having 2 kids in college and one not far from applying, the escalating medical expenses, and maintenance of a > 16 year old home, makes balancing the savings, retirement and future a little more challenging.  (Here's where both Chris and my frugal upbringing pays off.)  Hopefully, we can find some compromise in the next few months, where I may be able to provide productive insight into our business/practice through financial or medical analysis (I was a CPA after all) on a schedule that allows me flexibility to work at home, without the added viral or bacterial exposures.  Additionally, I hope to find some interesting continuing medical education (CME) opportunities that I may complete from home, so I may keep up or learn some new skills while out of the office.

Again, I want to re-iterate that these were my thoughts for today.  My goal here is to help people understand the struggles that are going through my brain during my cancer journey.  Not all journeys are the same, but I am sure there are some similarities.  The support that we have received from our neighbors, friends and family is still so overwhelming that it blocks all negativity and each day, I am grateful for this tremendous love and support.

Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful and endures through every circumstance. ~ 1 Corinthians 13:7