Vision changes

Yes, it's a catchy title, but to clear the water right off the bat, I'm not talking about my eyes.  They are fine!  Since I don't have anything new to report on my health status today, I thought I'd reflect on my mental status and how a cancer diagnosis has changed my vision of life and the world.

Most of you know that I am a firm believer that God is in control of my life and the lives of others, that He uses each of us as a vessel to carry out His grand plan.  This being said, I have not really experienced any anger or frustration over my illness.  I know that He has his reasons and I know that there will be more good that comes out of this than bad.  If I'm angry at anything, it's my stubbornness of not getting seen back in November when I first really started noticing symptoms.  Whether that would have made any difference or not is yet to be seen, so I can't perseverate on that decision.  Again, I think that God had his reasons for keeping me in doubt that there was anything wrong with me at all.

I'd like to say that I've always seen my family, faith and health as priorities in my life, but my time commitment to my work definitely would contradict this reality.  Prior to my diagnosis, it was common practice for me to get up and run before work, see patients all day and work through lunch, come home between 7-8 pm, grab a quick dinner and then work until I couldn't see straight any more.  My "days off" were always spent catching up on charts, correspondence, emails, meetings, reviewing patient results, filling out patient forms, making phone calls, etc. There was not a day (unless I took vacation) that I didn't log into our electronic medical record system to take care of patients or complete some paperwork.  Well, this came to an abrupt halt on January 5th, my last day of seeing patients in the clinic.

Do I miss it?  Yes and No.  I miss my patients, staff and colleagues immensely.  The camaraderie and support system at Lakeshore Clinic is like family.  It was/is my home away from home.  The type of relationship we have as a group is one of a kind and hard to find.  The extended Bothell and outlying community also is very special.  People are very supportive, caring and loyal.  However, I don't miss the late nights, chronic fatigue (although this has been replaced with a different type of fatigue), the computer dilemmas, missed family events, etc.  This is what I am hoping to replace and change before I return to work after the end of this journey.

How has my vision changed?  Not surprisingly, I have a greater appreciation of all my friends and family who have truly reached out after this shocking news.  I think the most commonly reported sentiment (which passed through my mind as well) remains, "How did this happen to you?  You are the healthiest person I know?"  First of all, cancer knows no limits. Although I don't have any family history of cancer and am the youngest of 7 kids, we need to remind ourselves that there is more that we don't know in medicine than that we do know.  One might wonder if the stress and strain on my body that I produced from working the sheer number of hours that I was working contributed or my exposures to unknown viruses, etc.  Once again, we need to remind ourselves, that it is not for me to know the cause of my cancer at this time, it is all part of God's great plan.  My overall cardiac and lung strength from all my running is likely going to aid me during the treatment process and the decrease in physical stress has already brought my blood pressure back to normal without any further need for anti-hypertensive medication.

Every day is truly a blessing.  While I thought this before my diagnosis, I certainly have solidified it now.  There are few things that frustrate me any more (Seattle traffic may be one of them though!)  Being able to breathe without coughing and eat without vomiting, are things I took for granted, but now I appreciate the fact that there are medications that can help me with these simple things.  Although I enjoyed everything outdoors previously, such as running, walking, hiking, I've learned new ways of challenging myself even when I can't get out.  I no longer run by myself but will call up a friend to walk with me.  Although I may cough throughout the walk, I am so appreciative to have someone to laugh with and share stories rather than just listening to my same old song list every day.

Yes, life has changed.  But, it brings new opportunities to see the beauty around me differently, with a different shade of glasses. While I hope that you don't have to be diagnosed with cancer to change the shades of your glasses, I challenge you to look at things differently and try to remain positive even when adversity hits.  If you back your car into another vehicle, be thankful it was a car and not a human being.  Laugh at yourself, be happy for the happiness and success of others.   All in all, it makes for a much happier state of being!

We all have bad days, but one thing is true; no cloud is so dark that the sun can’t shine through.  – Miranda Kerr